Talking about sex can be surprisingly difficult, even with someone you trust. You may know that you want to explore more together but struggle to name specific desires. You may have boundaries that feel easy to recognize internally but awkward to explain aloud. When BDSM or other forms of kink enter the conversation, there can be even more possibilities to sort through before anyone begins negotiating a scene.
A yes no maybe list gives you a structure for having those conversations. Instead of trying to remember every activity you might possibly enjoy while sitting across from a partner, you can consider your interests privately, identify your boundaries, and then compare your answers when you are ready.
Although yes no maybe lists are especially popular within BDSM communities, you do not have to be kinky to benefit from one. They can be useful for discussing sexual activities, intimacy, relationship dynamics, touch, language, safer-sex practices, aftercare, fantasies, and almost anything else that affects how you experience sex.
Most importantly, a yes no maybe list is a conversation tool. It does not replace consent, and checking “yes” beside an activity does not mean you have consented to that activity indefinitely. Used thoughtfully, however, a list can make conversations about pleasure and boundaries much easier to begin.
Table of Contents
What Is a Yes No Maybe List?
A yes no maybe list is a sexual communication tool that organizes activities, experiences, or relationship preferences according to your current level of interest.
A “yes” generally means that an activity interests you or that you already know you enjoy it. A “no” means that you do not want to participate in that activity. A “maybe” usually means that you are curious, uncertain, or potentially interested depending on the circumstances.
Those three categories sound simple, but the real value of a yes no maybe list comes from the conversations underneath them. Two people can both mark an activity as “yes” while imagining completely different versions of it.
For example, “bondage” could mean having your wrists loosely restrained with cuffs for ten minutes, being tied extensively with rope, using a spreader bar, or experiencing significant restriction of movement. Someone might enthusiastically want one version while having no interest in another.
This is why a yes no maybe list works best as a starting point rather than a contract.
If you are new to kink terminology and some of the activities on a list are unfamiliar, my guide to what BDSM stands for can help you understand some of the roles, dynamics, and terminology you may encounter.
Why Use a Yes No Maybe List?
One of the biggest advantages of a yes no maybe list is that it gives you time to think before you are in a sexual situation. Deciding whether something interests you can be much easier when you are sitting comfortably at home than when you are already aroused, nervous, trying to please someone, or worried about interrupting the moment.
The process can also reveal desires you have never discussed. Long-term partners sometimes assume that they already know everything the other person likes because they have been having sex together for years. In reality, interests can change, and there may be fantasies or curiosities that never happened to come up in conversation.
A yes no maybe list can also make discussing boundaries feel less confrontational. Saying “I marked this as a no” can sometimes feel easier than waiting until a partner suggests the activity in person and then trying to refuse it in the moment.
Research examining consent within BDSM has emphasized the importance of communication, negotiation, safety practices, and mutual informed consent. A yes no maybe list can support that process by helping participants identify topics that deserve further conversation before play begins.
A Yes No Maybe List Is Not Consent
This distinction is essential. Marking something “yes” means you are expressing interest, not granting permanent permission for someone to do it.
You might mark spanking as a yes and still not want to be spanked tonight. You might enjoy humiliation with one partner but not another. You could consent to bondage in your bedroom while having absolutely no interest in being restrained at a public play event. You might even begin an activity you genuinely wanted and decide halfway through that you want to stop.
Consent remains specific to the people, circumstances, activity, and moment involved.
The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom’s Consent Counts resources provide additional information about consent and BDSM. Their work is particularly relevant when using tools like a yes no maybe list because BDSM negotiation often involves distinguishing interest in an activity from actual consent to a particular scene.
It is also possible to change your mind about something on your list. A yes can become a no, a maybe can become a yes, and something you previously considered a hard limit may eventually become something you want to learn more about. Your old answers do not override what you want now.
What Does “Yes” Mean?
The yes column of a yes no maybe list generally contains activities you know you enjoy or are enthusiastic about exploring.
It is still worth adding context. You might love impact play but strongly prefer thuddy sensations over stingy ones. You may enjoy being verbally submissive but dislike particular honorifics. You might love giving oral sex but not want to receive it. The more specific you become, the more useful the eventual conversation will be.
Some people also distinguish between activities they have already tried and those they would enthusiastically like to try. That can help partners understand whether a “yes” represents experience or curiosity.
You can also note intensity. A person who enjoys scratching may want light marks that disappear quickly but have no interest in breaking skin. Someone who loves restraint may enjoy cuffs but not restrictive rope bondage. Interest in an activity rarely tells you everything necessary to negotiate it.
What Does “No” Mean?
A no means the activity is not available for negotiation right now.
You do not need to provide a persuasive explanation for why something is a no. Your partner may naturally be curious about your preferences, and you may choose to discuss them, but a boundary does not become more legitimate because you can explain its origin.
“No” can also encompass different kinds of boundaries. You may have activities that are permanent hard limits, activities you simply do not enjoy, or experiences you do not want under your current circumstances.
For example, someone may enjoy exhibitionism but mark public play as a no because of professional privacy concerns. Another person might enjoy a particular kink but decide that it belongs exclusively within one relationship. Someone else may simply dislike an activity without having a deeper reason.
When comparing a yes no maybe list with a partner, resist the temptation to treat their no column as a challenge. The purpose is to discover where your interests overlap, not to develop an argument persuasive enough to move something from no to yes.
What Does “Maybe” Mean?
The maybe column is often where the most interesting conversations happen because “maybe” can mean many different things.
You might be curious but need more information. You might like the fantasy but be uncertain whether you would enjoy the reality. You may only want the activity with a trusted partner, after additional education, at a lower intensity, or under specific circumstances. You could also simply have no idea how you feel yet.
When discussing a maybe, try to identify what is creating the uncertainty. If someone marks rope bondage as maybe because they have never experienced it, the next step might be learning about rope safety rather than immediately planning an elaborate suspension scene. If humiliation is a maybe because certain words feel exciting while others would be genuinely upsetting, the conversation should focus on language and boundaries.
A maybe should never be interpreted as reluctant consent. Unless everyone has actually agreed to move forward, uncertainty remains uncertainty.
How to Create a Yes No Maybe List
A useful yes no maybe list should include enough options to encourage reflection without becoming a hundred-page catalog of every sexual behavior imaginable. You can use an existing template as a starting point or create one that reflects the kinds of intimacy and BDSM you actually practice.
My Negotiation Checklist can provide a starting framework if you would rather not build a list from scratch.
Activities are only one part of the conversation. Consider including areas such as types of touch, roles, power exchange, toys, sexual activities, impact play, bondage, sensation play, language, humiliation, praise, clothing, visibility, photography, orgasm control, penetration, safer-sex barriers, bodily fluids, group experiences, public play, aftercare, and relationship-specific expectations.
Once you have a list, complete it independently before comparing answers with a partner. Filling it out separately gives each person an opportunity to consider their preferences without watching someone else’s reactions.
Compare Your Lists After Completing Them Separately
When two people complete the same yes no maybe list, the goal is not to determine who has the more adventurous answers. You are looking for areas of compatibility, questions that need clarification, and subjects you may not have thought to discuss before.
Begin with shared yeses. These are obvious areas where further exploration may be possible, although you will still need to negotiate the specifics.
Shared maybes can also create useful conversations. Perhaps you are both curious about sensory deprivation but neither has experience with it. That might lead you to research the activity together, take a class, or experiment with a very limited version before deciding whether you want more.
Differences deserve curiosity without pressure. If one person’s yes is the other’s no, the answer is not automatically compromise. Some sexual incompatibilities can be negotiated creatively, while others simply need to be accepted as differences.
If these conversations tend to become difficult, my guide to enhancing communication in relationships explores ways to communicate wants, boundaries, and concerns more effectively.
Add Conditions to Your Answers
One of the easiest ways to make a yes no maybe list significantly more useful is to add a notes section.
Sexual interests rarely exist without context. Instead of simply marking “humiliation” as maybe, you could note that sexual humiliation interests you but comments about intelligence or appearance are off limits. Instead of marking “spanking” as yes, you could specify which implements you enjoy and how much marking you are comfortable with.
Conditions might involve the partner, setting, intensity, duration, body part, language, level of experience, privacy, protective equipment, sexual health precautions, or what happens afterward.
This is particularly useful with BDSM because broad category names can conceal substantial differences in risk and experience. “Bondage,” “impact play,” “breath play,” and “humiliation” each encompass activities with very different physical and emotional implications.
Specificity turns the yes no maybe list from a preference inventory into a much more useful negotiation tool.
Include Emotional and Psychological Activities
People often create a yes no maybe list containing only physical sexual activities, but some of the most important boundaries in BDSM are psychological.
Consider how you feel about being praised, degraded, ordered around, ignored, objectified, teased, frightened, laughed at, challenged, nurtured, disciplined, or placed into a particular role.
Language can be especially important. One person may enjoy being called sexually explicit names during a scene but find comments about their body genuinely hurtful. Someone else may enjoy consensual objectification but dislike humiliation entirely.
These distinctions are difficult to capture when a list only asks whether you enjoy “dirty talk.”
If an activity relies heavily on emotional intensity, discuss what language and themes are welcome as well as which subjects are personally sensitive.
Include Aftercare in Your Yes No Maybe List
Aftercare deserves a place in sexual negotiation because people can have very different needs once play ends.
Some people want cuddling, praise, food, hydration, or extended physical closeness. Others want quiet, reduced sensory input, a shower, comfortable clothes, or time alone. Someone may enjoy immediate reassurance but prefer to discuss the actual scene the following day.
You can incorporate those preferences directly into your yes no maybe list rather than assuming aftercare will sort itself out afterward.
If you are not sure what kinds of care might be useful, my guide answering what is aftercare covers physical, emotional, sensory, and practical approaches to post-play recovery.
Use a Yes No Maybe List Before Introducing BDSM
A yes no maybe list can be especially helpful when one or both partners are new to BDSM. Saying that you want to “try kink” does not provide much information because BDSM encompasses an enormous range of activities and relationship dynamics.
Working through a list can help turn that broad interest into something more concrete. You may discover that you are both interested in restraint and sensation play but have no interest in pain. Another couple may discover that physical activities matter less than experimenting with Dominance and submission.
If BDSM is something you are considering introducing into an established relationship, my guide to introducing BDSM into your relationship covers the larger conversation around curiosity, negotiation, limits, safety, and starting gradually.
A yes no maybe list can then become one part of that discussion rather than forcing one person to arrive with a fully developed vision of what your new kinky sex life should look like.
Yes No Maybe Lists for Established BDSM Dynamics
Experienced kinky people can benefit from these lists too. Familiarity with a partner can sometimes make communication feel less necessary because everyone assumes they already know what the other person wants.
Preferences still change.
An activity that once seemed exciting may lose its appeal. Someone may develop a new health concern that changes how they approach play. A relationship may become more emotionally serious, changing which forms of vulnerability feel appropriate. New fantasies may emerge after years together.
Updating a yes no maybe list periodically can expose those changes before you accidentally rely on outdated assumptions.
For people in D/s relationships, this can be particularly useful because established protocols and authority structures can make it easy to assume that previously negotiated preferences remain unchanged. They do not. Power exchange still benefits from opportunities to reassess what everyone actually wants.
Yes No Maybe Lists and Neurodivergence
A yes no maybe list can also be helpful for people who find spontaneous verbal conversations difficult, including some neurodivergent people.
Processing a question privately can provide more time to identify a response without needing to interpret another person’s facial expression, manage social pressure, retrieve language quickly, and make a decision simultaneously.
That does not mean yes no maybe lists are inherently more accessible for every neurodivergent person. Long checklists can be overwhelming, vague categories can create uncertainty, and words such as “maybe” may need clearer definitions.
If you are using the tool specifically because verbal processing is difficult, customize it. You might add rating scales, definitions, examples, notes, sensory considerations, or an “I need more information” option separate from maybe.
The useful version of a yes no maybe list is the version that actually helps the people using it communicate.
What If Your Lists Are Very Different?
Sometimes completing a yes no maybe list reveals significant differences between partners. That information can be disappointing, but discovering the difference is preferable to assuming compatibility that is not actually there.
You do not need perfectly matching lists to have a satisfying sexual relationship. In most relationships, partners will have interests the other person does not share.
Look first at where you overlap. If you have plenty of shared yeses, those may provide more than enough room for exploration. You can also discuss whether some mismatched interests can exist as fantasies without being acted out.
What you should avoid is treating someone’s boundaries as obstacles preventing you from having the sex you deserve. A partner being uninterested in one of your kinks does not make their boundary unfair, and having a desire does not entitle you to experience it with a particular person.
In consensually non-monogamous relationships, partners may have agreements that allow some desires to be explored elsewhere, but that is a separate relationship conversation rather than a universal solution to sexual differences.
Your List Can Change
Your first yes no maybe list captures your preferences at one particular moment. It should not be expected to describe your sexuality forever.
Experience can change your perspective. You may try something from your maybe column and love it, decide it was interesting but not worth repeating, or discover that the fantasy was much more appealing than the actual experience.
Your circumstances can change too. Health, disability, pregnancy, medication, stress, trauma, relationship changes, privacy concerns, and emotional bandwidth can all influence what feels possible or desirable.
There is no failure in moving something from yes to no. There is also no requirement to eventually turn your maybes into yeses.
If reflective exercises help you identify how your preferences change, my collection of journal prompts for submissives includes questions about desire, boundaries, consent, trust, play, and power exchange that can complement a yes no maybe list.
Common Mistakes When Using a Yes No Maybe List
One common mistake is treating the finished document as the negotiation itself. Knowing that you both checked yes beside an activity does not tell you how you want to do it, how intense it should be, what risks you have discussed, what will make you stop, or what each person needs afterward.
Another problem is completing the list together instead of independently. If one person reacts enthusiastically every time they mark an activity yes, the other person may gradually begin changing their own answers to avoid disappointing them.
It is also easy to make the list so broad that the answers become meaningless. Someone may mark anal play as maybe when they actually enjoy external anal stimulation, are curious about fingers, dislike plugs, and have no interest in anal intercourse. Breaking large categories into smaller ones can produce much more useful information.
Finally, do not use a person’s previous yes no maybe list against them. Saying “but you marked this yes” after someone declines an activity fundamentally misunderstands the purpose of the exercise. The current answer always matters more than the old checkbox.
How Often Should You Update a Yes No Maybe List?
There is no required schedule. Some couples like revisiting their lists every few months, while others update them when something significant changes or when they want new ideas.
New relationships are an obvious opportunity to complete one, but established partners may find the exercise even more surprising because they often begin with stronger assumptions about what the other person likes.
You might also revisit your yes no maybe list after taking BDSM classes, discovering a new kink, recovering from an injury, entering a different relationship structure, or noticing that your sexual interests have shifted.
The point is not constant paperwork. The list is useful when it starts conversations that otherwise might not happen.
Frequently Asked Questions About Yes No Maybe Lists
Is a Yes No Maybe List Only for BDSM?
No. Although the tool is commonly used in BDSM and kink communities, you can create a yes no maybe list for virtually any sexual or intimate relationship.
A non-kinky version might include kissing, massage, oral sex, masturbation together, different kinds of penetration, sex toys, pornography, sexting, photography, initiating sex, public affection, safer-sex practices, or different forms of emotional intimacy.
Does “Yes” on a Yes No Maybe List Mean Consent?
No. A yes indicates interest or preference. Consent still needs to exist when the activity is actually being considered.
Someone can change their mind at any time, including after initially agreeing to participate.
What Should I Put on a Yes No Maybe List?
Include activities and relationship elements that are relevant to your actual sexual life. Depending on your interests, that could include sexual acts, BDSM activities, power dynamics, toys, language, clothing, roleplay, safer-sex practices, bodily fluids, photography, group sex, public play, emotional experiences, and aftercare.
You can also leave blank spaces for activities that are not already included.
Should Partners Fill Out the List Together?
I recommend completing the first version separately. Doing so gives each person time to think without being influenced by their partner’s immediate reactions.
Once both people are finished, compare the lists and discuss the areas where your answers overlap or differ.
What If I Don’t Know Whether Something Is a Yes or Maybe?
Mark it maybe and explain why. You can also create a separate category for “I need more information” if that better describes your uncertainty.
You do not need to manufacture certainty simply because the form gives you three columns.
Can My No Become a Yes Later?
Yes, if your feelings genuinely change. Boundaries and interests can evolve with experience, education, relationships, and circumstances.
Nobody should expect or pressure that change, however. A no remains a no unless the person whose boundary it is decides otherwise.
Can a Yes Become a No?
Absolutely. Previous interest does not create an obligation to remain interested.
If something no longer appeals to you, update your list and communicate that change when it is relevant to your partner.
Can I Use a Yes No Maybe List for a BDSM Scene?
Yes, but use it before detailed scene negotiation rather than in place of negotiation. Once you identify overlapping interests, discuss the exact activities, intensity, limits, risks, safewords or other stop signals, accessibility needs, sexual health considerations, and aftercare relevant to the scene.
A Yes No Maybe List Should Start Conversations, Not End Them
The real value of a yes no maybe list is not the finished checklist. It is the information you learn about yourself and the conversations that happen when you compare it with someone else.
You may discover an activity you both assumed the other person disliked. You may realize that a broad category needs much more specific boundaries. You may learn that something you have always described as a hard limit is actually a situation-dependent maybe, or recognize that an activity you routinely participate in has never been particularly enjoyable for you.
Those discoveries are part of sexual communication.
A yes no maybe list gives you permission to be curious without committing, decline something without defending the decision, and acknowledge uncertainty without turning it into a reluctant yes. When you combine that self-reflection with ongoing consent and specific negotiation, the list becomes much more than an inventory of sexual activities. It becomes a practical way to understand what each person actually wants from the experiences you are creating together.
If you want a structured place to begin, you can use my Negotiation Checklist to start identifying your interests, boundaries, and areas you want to discuss with a partner.